http://www.propublica.org/article/everything-youve-ever-wanted-to-know-about-voter-id-lawsAnd finally, New Rule: Republicans must quit pretending that their new voter ID laws having anything to do with stopping fraudulent voting, and instead start passing laws where if poor black people want to vote, they must first jump through an actual hoop. (audience applause)
Now this week, a judge in Pennsylvania upheld that state's new law requiring picture ID if you want to exercise your right to cast a ballot in November, affirming the efforts of Republican legislatures in many states, who have decided that there's one big problem with our democratic process -- too much voting. I know, it sounds counter-intuitive. Election time used to mean "get out the vote". Now it means, "You're here to vote? Get out!"
Now I know it doesn't seem like showing picture ID should be such a big deal, but it turns out 1 in 10 Americans who used to be able to vote, could not this time under these new laws. See, Republicans love America, and cherish its ideals, so they asked themselves, "What is it we have that many Democratic-leaning inner city voters don't have? I know! We have photo ID." Our driver's licenses. And many of them don't because they're too poor to own a car.
It reminds me of the drug war, where conservatives said, "Let's find something minorities do a lot, like smoke weed, and make it illegal." And one of the punishments is, you lose your vote. It's lucky Republicans didn't notice Obama was popular with Asian voters, they would've required a driving test! (audience laughter)
Listen, America's had a lot of tricky racist laws, it's part of the adventure of living here. That's what makes it dangerous and fun. Like everyone being armed. It's like a theme park at Halloween. Hey, if you don't want to be chased with a chainsaw, move to Canada.
But what makes the voter ID law special is that they propose to solve a problem that doesn't exist. We have empirical data proving that essentially no one is showing up to the polls and impersonating a legally registered voter. Runaway slave laws were racist and wrong, but at least there occasionally was a runaway slave! (stunned audience laughter)
But in person voter fraud is a crime that doesn't happen! Since 2000, there have been 10 cases of it. Ten! Out of 146 million voters. More people go into the voting booth and get hit by lightning while being attacked by sharks, than commit this crime.
Why? Because people tend to commit crimes to do things they want to do. We're Americans. We don't want to vote. That's not how the criminal mind works. That's why so few evil geniuses plan to take over the world so they can do more jury duty. (audience laughter and applause)
But don't ever accuse a Republican of racism. They just happened to come up with a legal technicality that, if applied nationally, would mean one in four black people can't vote. It's like if you wanted to suppress the white vote, so you made a law that you couldn't vote unless you've seen every Tyler Perry movie. (audience laughter and applause)
So I say this. Fair is fair. If Republicans can make it harder for minorities to vote with their tricky ID laws, then we get to make it harder for teabaggers to vote by bringing back the literacy test. (wild audience cheering)
You can ask me for a picture ID, and I'll ask you to count to twenty without taking off your shoes. And you can't vote unless you can answer these simple questions.
1. What did they call the World War that came before World War II?
2. Seven-tenths of the Earth is covered by:
A) water
B) Mountain Dew
C) your ass
3. Name a book that's not about vampires or spanking.
All right, that's our show!
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